Managing Grief

Grief is a natural emotion which occurs when we lose our dear ones or something very valuable to us such as health, property or pets. In our lifetime we encounter a number of situations where we cannot avoid mourning. In such cases we need to cope with intense pain. There are usually five stages of grief management which were first proposed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying.” When someone learns about their loss the first thing they do is they do not want to accept this reality; they deny what has happened to them. For instance, if their cherished loved one dies they force themselves to believe that the person is still alive. This phase is labelled “Denial and Isolation.” This stage protects the sufferer from immediate shock.

When a person starts to realise their loss the second stage of “Anger” attacks them. However, they are not completely ready to accept the reality and their grief is redirected to anger. This anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends, family or even at the dying or deceased loved one. Rationally, they know that the anger is not justified. Emotionally, however, they may feel that a number of things are responsible for causing the pain they have to battle. The person feels guilty for being angry, and this makes them angrier.

The third stage is “Bargaining.” In the process of accepting the harsh reality of their loss, one begins to bargain themselves. They start thinking, “If only we had sought medical attention sooner…If only we had taken her to another doctor…If I knew about the illness earlier…She may have had a different problem…If only I was home…” and so on. Doing this, one is preparing themselves to accept reality.

“Depression” comes after bargaining. Realising their great loss, one feels sad and at the same time worries about the new arrangements of life. The sufferer will begin asking themselves, “Why do I have to suffer and not others?” “How do I live with this pain?” “How can I cope with this loss?” and many more. Then they feel depressed.

The final stage of the grieving process is called “Acceptance.” At this stage, the person accepts their loss or pain and tries to make peace with themselves. They, however, are not normally happy but in a position to accept their reality. When one reaches the point of acceptance the grieving process generally ends. The five stages do not necessarily occur in the chronological order though. One moves between different stages before eventually achieving a more peaceful acceptance of loss.

According to Julie Axelrod coping with loss is ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience — nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions that you are going through. But others can be there for you and help comfort you through this process. The best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting it only will prolong the natural process of healing.

(Published in an English Daily The Rising Nepal on Friday, Feb. 9, 2018 ) 

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