Identity Crisis

Reading any success story of a woman, especially from a social background like ours where women are deprived of equal rights, can be an inspiration. Not before long, the Gorkhapatra daily published an interview of a struggling woman where she was described as a celebrated figure in the field of literature and music. A number of awards that she bagged during  the course of her endeavor also proved her success. Her achievements were enough to identify the woman but what the interviewer pointed out intentionally about her was, above all, 'she is the wife of a renowned politician.' It seemed as if without her husband's addition, her identification were incomplete.

It is just an example. In reality all Nepali women have been facing identity crisis, both socially and legally. Immediately after a woman gets married, she has to discard her surname, a temporary legacy from her father, and use her husband's but the husband lives his identity from birth to death. She obtains the citizenship, the most authentic identification, only if she can supply her father's or husband's name. It is ridiculous that a mother, who gives birth to children and fulfills the responsibilities of raising them, is regarded unacceptable while acquiring their citizenship certificate. In addition, a husband and a wife are considered 'better half' to each other; so if she needs her husband's name to execute any legal procedure, why doesn't the husband need his wife's name for the same?

Replying to a query, whether she was happy to be identified by her husband, a housewife in a vernacular weekly said," Yes, why not? We are living in such a society where women are not recognized by themselves, for example, a female lecturer is addressed as a 'lecturnee.' So, for a woman like me who is not educated enough and devotes all her time inside a house, it is okay to be known by the husband's name."

Let alone the  ignorant lot, majority of the educated and conscious women have also been facing the same problem. They have spent all their precious years to shape themselves, to make  themselves in the pursuit of their goals but they are reluctant to expose their potential, instead they feel proud to be recognized by their husband, they always prefer to be shadows of their male counterpart. 

However, as a good sign, there are some women, who are successful to establish their identity through their own effort. In general, Nepali women are suffering from identity crisis. It is high time that  every woman must realize her own self-interest; before being a wife of someone else she is an independent individual, so she must know who she is, what she can contribute to  the society and feel proud of herself for being herself not someone's wife. 

(Published in an English Daily The Rising Nepal on Friday, April 14, 2006)

[The pictures on this blog are posted here with permission from their owners or have been gathered from various sources on the Internet. If you are the copyright-holder to any of the photographs herein do not hesitate to contact me. They will be swiftly removed if desired so.]

Check, Mate!

The Monday evening was just like another ordinary evening until an unexpected incident happened. While I was doing the PhD my husband bought me an external hard drive to store all my data safely. I had saved all important documents in that precious box and kept it in the safest place. On that fateful day I needed that black box to retrieve some of my precious documents to write a couple of articles.

Unfortunately, the box slipped off my hand and bumped on the wooden floor with a "Bang!" I unbelievably stared at it. How could I do that? My intuition immediately told me, "It's gone, baby. You lost all your data in a blink." Yet, I wanted to check if it was still working. No, my instinct was absolutely right. I lost everything that had been stored so dearly working for four years.

At that moment a sense of great loss gripped me tightly. The feeling was similar to losing someone who was dear to you. I started sobbing. When I got hold of my emotions eventually, my mind began questioning, "What was I crying for, after all?" For the lost data? No, my husband had assured me that they could be retrieved. Then, for that dysfunctional drive? Answer: Again 'no,' because a statement given by my father is tattooed inside me, "Never have faith on artifacts; they may deceive you anytime. So, don't get attached to them too much." And I trust his wisdom more than hundred percent.

I wondered, what was my problem? During a meditative moment I heard my inner voice, "In fact you cried for the helplessness of human beings. No matter how prepared you think you are, you can never win the invisible player who is constantly watching your game. At the least expected time he abruptly goes with a broad smile, 'Check, mate!' You are shocked. You think you were playing excellent. You look here and there. No escape. You have been trapped badly from everywhere. You have no choice but surrender to that super player. Got it?"

Hmm...I was convinced. My inner voice was right. Can you believe, the next morning I heard a sad news of someone's untimely death who was significant to me? Even though he was not from my extended family, his family is near to my heart. I felt deep pain for the bereaved family.

Was it just a coincidence or my intuition was warning me in advance about the ill omen?

[The pictures on this blog are posted here with permission from their owners or have been gathered from various sources on the Internet. If you are the copyright-holder to any of the photographs herein do not hesitate to contact me. They will be swiftly removed if desired so.]

Raising a Singular Child

Gone are the days when people used to say, "Santanle danda kanda dhakun," (May your children sprawl everywhere) or "Euta aankho ke aankho, euta chhoro ke chhoro," (What's the use of a single eye or only child). We know, with time everything changes. These days, especially in the cities, parents have started preferring to have a single child, no matter whether a girl or a boy. The reasons for this may be varied. Some women decide not to conceive a second child in order to balance a career with motherhood. Others have financial constraints. In addition to these, giving a primary attention to education or career, women are getting married at a later age so they do not want to risk their life delivering many children.

Apparently, child experts list several advantages of having a singular child, including parents having more time and financial resources to give the child and the child not having to deal with sibling rivalry or comparison. Barbara Holland, a child expert and writer, also speaks for a single child and says that one child is a manageable appendage.

No doubt, there are excellent tips available on how to parent a single child. For instance, you should focus your entire attention on the child because you do not need to divide your attention and concern between two or more children. You should not spoil your child by showering expensive gifts all the time. You should keep him/her busy in different creative activities so that s/he will not get time to feel lonely. You should expand your family or friend circle to socialize the child, and many more.

However, being pretty aware of such suggestions the parents of a single child have to face many kinds of challenges. Obviously, a single child is highly demanding. S/he knows about their importance for parents. Therefore, the child never lets a chance slip through his/her hand without the expected reward. Another specialty of a singular child is that s/he is excessively dependent upon parents; as much as the parents try to make their child independent in study, dressing up, placing playthings properly and so on, as less as the child shows an interest to fulfill their desires. The child demands over-protection too. Similarly, a single child is quite possessive of undivided parental love.

S/he does not tolerate if their parents show any affection towards other children. When the child sees the parents mixing up with 'other' children, s/he gets jealous and bursts into anger. At such a situation sometimes the kid does not forget to threaten the parents, "I'll leave the house and go away, then you'll see..." or "I'll die if you don't only love me." Above all, a single child is time-consuming. The parents have to spend almost all their spare time with the kid -  talking, listening, playing, reading, paying sole attention, and what not. The couple hardly share any private time together as long as the child is around.

Yet, besides facing many challenges and difficulties a singular child is in demand particularly among working parents. In the course of parenting, such parents can learn many skills. First of all, they learn how to manage their anger, then how to be patient and calm. They practise to be a good listener. They also develop their skill on time management. They gain persuading power, to name some.

 Anyway, a singular child is not an obligation but a choice. Parents play key roles in how children behave or develop - whether a child is the only one or one of ten. The difference is that parental efforts and actions are intensified as the number of children decreases. The parents of only child do not have other children to

distract them so they tend to be more focused on their child. They can help their child to self-entertain. The usual tendency is seen to fill the child's life with planned activities or quality time with them, but the child needs to learn how to cope with the unstructured time too. It might not be easy at first - especially if the child is not used to 'alone time.' The parents can help by sitting down with the child and assisting him/her to come up with a list of activities the child can do all by himself or herself. Gradually, the child stops to ask for his/her parents' 100% time and attention, so the couple might get some quality moments for themselves as well.

(Published in an English Daily The Rising Nepal on Friday, March 24, 2006)
[The pictures on this blog are posted here with permission from their owners or have been gathered from various sources on the Internet. If you are the copyright-holder to any of the photographs herein do not hesitate to contact me. They will be swiftly removed if desired so.]