Managing Grief

Grief is a natural emotion which occurs when we lose our dear ones or something very valuable to us such as health, property or pets. In our lifetime we encounter a number of situations where we cannot avoid mourning. In such cases we need to cope with intense pain. There are usually five stages of grief management which were first proposed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying.” When someone learns about their loss the first thing they do is they do not want to accept this reality; they deny what has happened to them. For instance, if their cherished loved one dies they force themselves to believe that the person is still alive. This phase is labelled “Denial and Isolation.” This stage protects the sufferer from immediate shock.

When a person starts to realise their loss the second stage of “Anger” attacks them. However, they are not completely ready to accept the reality and their grief is redirected to anger. This anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends, family or even at the dying or deceased loved one. Rationally, they know that the anger is not justified. Emotionally, however, they may feel that a number of things are responsible for causing the pain they have to battle. The person feels guilty for being angry, and this makes them angrier.

The third stage is “Bargaining.” In the process of accepting the harsh reality of their loss, one begins to bargain themselves. They start thinking, “If only we had sought medical attention sooner…If only we had taken her to another doctor…If I knew about the illness earlier…She may have had a different problem…If only I was home…” and so on. Doing this, one is preparing themselves to accept reality.

“Depression” comes after bargaining. Realising their great loss, one feels sad and at the same time worries about the new arrangements of life. The sufferer will begin asking themselves, “Why do I have to suffer and not others?” “How do I live with this pain?” “How can I cope with this loss?” and many more. Then they feel depressed.

The final stage of the grieving process is called “Acceptance.” At this stage, the person accepts their loss or pain and tries to make peace with themselves. They, however, are not normally happy but in a position to accept their reality. When one reaches the point of acceptance the grieving process generally ends. The five stages do not necessarily occur in the chronological order though. One moves between different stages before eventually achieving a more peaceful acceptance of loss.

According to Julie Axelrod coping with loss is ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience — nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions that you are going through. But others can be there for you and help comfort you through this process. The best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting it only will prolong the natural process of healing.

(Published in an English Daily The Rising Nepal on Friday, Feb. 9, 2018 ) 

 [The pictures on this blog are posted here with permission from their owners or have been gathered from various sources on the Internet. If you are the copyright-holder to any of the photographs herein do not hesitate to contact me. They will be swiftly removed if desired so.]

 

Homework Obsession

I still remember the painful days when my son was a primary school boy. We took him to Australia while he was studying in Grade 4. I had great expectations from Australia particularly in relation to my child’s education.  As a parent I wanted him to learn more. A problem began as soon as he started to go to school. With my experience of Bishrut’s schooling in Nepal I expected him to receive a substantial amount of homework. To my great disappointment he did not bring anything home from school and I did not know what he was learning there. I began to worry thinking that he would forget whatever he had learned in Nepal soon. I shared my fear with other Asian parents and they were also feeling the same.

I embarked to learn about Australian education system and my fear gradually turned into hope as I realised homework alone does not guarantee a student’s successful learning. With time I got an opportunity to engage deeply in the Australian primary language and literacy education system because I had decided to conduct my doctoral research in the same area.

Now I can relate my Australian story to typical Nepali parents who have brought their children to my school. In fact these children are only about to commence their schooling. The poor three year olds are struggling to cope with the entirely new environment of a school after being taken care by their parents in a comfortable home setting for a number of years. The school family is doing its best to help these little ones adjust to the different circumstances of school.

In contrast to children’s challenges parents have their own issue of homework. It has hardly been a week they have sent their children to school and they have already started complaining that they want the children to bring home homework. What they expect is their children must know Nepali and English alphabet and numbers as soon as they enter the school and do a lot of homework. Thank God I was not that demanding in Bishrut’s early years of schooling. At that point in time I wanted him to have less pressure and more pleasant experience from school.

I wonder why Asian parents are so obsessive about homework. They do not believe that their children are learning until and unless they see them reading schoolbooks and doing homework. This may be true for older children but the younger ones need a lot of other pre-reading and pre-writing activities before moving on to real reading and writing tasks.

I think the parents should also be given a couple of orientation programs when they come to school to admit their children. It is said that you like your children to follow the same path that you know; and the parents have come this far by reciting the alphabet and numbers during the early days of their schooling. Therefore, the first thing they want for their children is also the same. This vicious cycle must be broken and we must make parents realise that rote learning and mechanical homework doing are outdated techniques of teaching. Furthermore, they must be patient with their young children and give them enough time to adjust to school and start learning naturally and automatically.

(Published in an English Daily The Rising Nepal on Friday, Feb. 2, 2018 ) 

[The pictures on this blog are posted here with permission from their owners or have been gathered from various sources on the Internet. If you are the copyright-holder to any of the photographs herein do not hesitate to contact me. They will be swiftly removed if desired so.]

 

Reasons To Respect

When I think about women’s role in building a prosperous society, I find it significant. Unfortunately, in the context of Nepal, women still struggle to be recognised. Traditionally they are defined as the “weaker sex” and they are normally dominated due to societal norms. Gender discrimination exists in different forms in all spheres of life. In addition, it can also be seen that it is women who relatively face more physical and social challenges than men to cope with life situations because of which they have to survive a lot of emotional upheavals.

For instance, during their teenage years, girls begin menstruating and thisleads to them having to cope with a lot of psychological and social pressure, particularly in the context of Nepal where menstrual bleeding is regarded impure and girls are ostracised during their period at least for four days.This is one aspect of gender discrimination because boys do not have this sort of restriction.

Another milestone comes into girls’ life when they get married. After marriage they need to quit a lifestyle they have been living so far and go to their husband’s house where they have to learn a completely new way of living. They encounter different circumstances to adjust to, different relationships to develop and maintain, and even different workloads which are very challenging.

Once they start coping with all sorts of changes pregnancy comes their way. It is entirely a woman’s share to carry and give birth to a child. Again it is she who needs to make adjustments. In her job list another job of child care and development will be added.The stage of menopause is also a very difficult stage in women’s life.It usually begins during late 30s and stays until late 50s. During this period women have to face various kinds of physical, psychological and emotional changes.

Even if women go through these challenges, they do not sit back feeling they are inferior to their male counterparts or they are weak. They know how to balance their life or manage emotional turmoils created by bodily hormones or social norms. Accepting these unavoidable realities they try each and everything to excel in the areas where they have abilities. As a result, there are many women in the world whose contribution is remarkable for the betterment of human kind.

So, why do we continue to consider women as being lesser than men? In fact, currently this stereotyped concept has been challenged by different sorts of research findings which justify women are not the weaker sex but the other way around.For example, women have longer life expectancy than men, they are better at multitasking and they can manage pain in a better way. A study says, “From longevity and surviving illness to coping with trauma and managing pain, we investigate the surprising ways in which women really are the stronger sex.”

Whatever situations come their way, women can handle them in a proper manner and move on. They deserve more respect and recognition in society instead of being discriminated with labels like “inferior or weaker sex,” “second class citizen” or “less intellectual people.”

(Published in an English Daily The Rising Nepal on Friday, Jan. 26, 2017 ) 

[The pictures on this blog are posted here with permission from their owners or have been gathered from various sources on the Internet. If you are the copyright-holder to any of the photographs herein do not hesitate to contact me. They will be swiftly removed if desired so.]